I've been trying to write this for a long time. Each time I get a couple of sentences in I erase everything and pretend that nothings wrong. That I don't have a million and one things eating away at me.
I failed my Spanish class. I'm 99 percent sure I failed my Critical Issues in the Media class. Never before in my student career has such a thing happened, math courses are the one exception. I'll take responsibility for failing them because it is my fault and to say otherwise would make me a coward. I need to get my act together and now. If I can't make it in college how in the hell am I going to survive the real world? I don't want to be one of those 40-somethings living with her parents because she can't take care of herself or function on a normal level within society.
My twenty-second birthday is coming up and at first I was excited about the prospect of spending it with friends and family but now it's just making me realize that I'm in the same place this year that I have been for the past several years. Sure, I live on my own but in the big picture of life that doesn't mean so much. I don't smoke, do drugs and rarely drink. We won't even begin to discuss my lack of a romantic life. Everybody I know is either married or has kids. I don't want either right away but I'm sick of being alone. I'm afraid that it'll be that way forever though and it kills me.
Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Everyday I wake up and pretend that I'm okay. That life is wonderful and I'm happy. Sometimes I am happy. Life's a beautiful thing. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed. I d much better when I have stuff that needs to get done and people that are depending on me and now that school's out for summer and Argonaut is almost at a stand still I have no responsibility. Just time to think.
And I think to much.
No, really. I do. How do you turn off your mind? Can you teach me, please? Maybe then I wouldn't think about why my body hates me so much and if I'll ever get to be off of these antibiotics. I'm not good at remembering to take them and they make the rest of me feel like hell anyway.
Maybe I could run away and reinvent myself and a new life somewhere far away from here. Maybe then I wouldn't think so much.
Heaven forbid, I end up alone.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Midnight (Revision)
She’s curled up in bed with pint-sized
preschool princesses and their pageants
on the television. Wednesday’s don’t hold
much excitement for the new kid in town.
The music coming from her phone tells her
to hold out hope. The night’s not over yet.
‘Be awake in an hour.’ Four little words
turn her into a maniac. The dishes are done
and the laundry put away in record time. She slides
out of pajamas and into casual chic clothing.
Headlights flicker into the window. As quick as
the lights appear, they’re gone again. John, Paul, George
and Ringo tell her to open the door. The smell of Taco
Bell on his skin and the moonlight in his eyes greet her.
Making small talk as if that’s the way they’ve always done things
tells her that he’s found his very own princess, a queen really,
who dances to the beat of the same restless dream and that being the new
kid in town makes stuffing newspapers into envelopes on a sweltering
Thursday afternoon makes her feel useful. Making small talk like they do
a sad attempt at filling an appetite that should no longer be there.
‘I should go now’ breaks her every time. He stays a few minutes longer
anyway. The warmth that between their skin and the soft whispers
into ears remind them of the past. With a kiss on the forehead and arms
lingering around her waist a touch too long, he walks out the door.
Folding newspapers and stuffing envelopes keeps her mind busy until
the phone rings. His name on the caller ID takes her back but she answers
anyway. She probably always will. Making small talk won’t change anything.
Is she okay? He already knows she’s not but he still asks. They say goodbye
and go on with their lives. Him, with the girl of his dreams and the ability to
let the past be and her left to pick up the pieces. Until next time.
preschool princesses and their pageants
on the television. Wednesday’s don’t hold
much excitement for the new kid in town.
The music coming from her phone tells her
to hold out hope. The night’s not over yet.
‘Be awake in an hour.’ Four little words
turn her into a maniac. The dishes are done
and the laundry put away in record time. She slides
out of pajamas and into casual chic clothing.
Headlights flicker into the window. As quick as
the lights appear, they’re gone again. John, Paul, George
and Ringo tell her to open the door. The smell of Taco
Bell on his skin and the moonlight in his eyes greet her.
Making small talk as if that’s the way they’ve always done things
tells her that he’s found his very own princess, a queen really,
who dances to the beat of the same restless dream and that being the new
kid in town makes stuffing newspapers into envelopes on a sweltering
Thursday afternoon makes her feel useful. Making small talk like they do
a sad attempt at filling an appetite that should no longer be there.
‘I should go now’ breaks her every time. He stays a few minutes longer
anyway. The warmth that between their skin and the soft whispers
into ears remind them of the past. With a kiss on the forehead and arms
lingering around her waist a touch too long, he walks out the door.
Folding newspapers and stuffing envelopes keeps her mind busy until
the phone rings. His name on the caller ID takes her back but she answers
anyway. She probably always will. Making small talk won’t change anything.
Is she okay? He already knows she’s not but he still asks. They say goodbye
and go on with their lives. Him, with the girl of his dreams and the ability to
let the past be and her left to pick up the pieces. Until next time.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Time Of My Life
This year, more than any other year, has taught me more about life and about death, about friends and about enemies, about successes and failures, the strength of family and about becoming my own person than I ever thought there was to know, especially in the course of twelve glorious, yet tumultuous months. Anybody who knows me, really knows me, knows that 2009 has challenged me again and again, it's tested my faith and showed me that I can do whatever I want to and that anybody who doesn't believe doesn't matter.
Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.
Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.
I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.
I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.
And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.
2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.
And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.
Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.
Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.
I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.
I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.
And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.
2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.
And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
For The Most Part
Christmas is done for the year and it was a pleasure, for the most part. We'll get to the most part soon enough but first I'm reminded of just how lucky (and spoiled) I really am. Yesterday was spent with just my parents and brother and one of my uncles, but it';s nice that way. There's no pressure and no drama, for the most part.
The four of us got up early and opened presents (did I mention that I'm spoiled?) and then had eggs and toast which is more than any of us except maybe my brother eat for breakfast on any given morning. My brother; he has a bottomless pit for a stomach but you wouldn't know it by looking at the kid. Here's my amazing list of gifts because it would be a shame not to share how awesome they are:
—a new stereo system which includes an Ipod dock except I don't have an Ipod. It's very pretty nonetheless and has amazing sound compared to the ghetto one I have now.
—a new zebra striped purse which is again very pretty. Anyone who has seen my ld purse can testify to how badly I needed a new one. Holes make things fall out and get lost.
—Sims 3 World Adventures; okay, the geek is coming out in me now. This game is awesome but I might not be one to talk because the Sims games are the only games I play. Except Wii Bowling. I kick ass at Wii Bowling.
—Plenty and plenty of new clothes but what girl doesn't love new clothes?
—A beautiful new scarf to add to my (small) collection. They've become my new obsession.
—A bath set which smells delicious. Hot bubble baths are always a good thing.
In other news, only one of my uncle's showed up yesterday because my other one is an idiot and succeeded to put my mom in tears and almost give my aunt a heart attack on Christmas. That story is for another time. We decided not to stress over him anymore for the time being and enjoyed a day of good food and family. It was a beautiful day, for the most part.
School starts back up on the 13th and the first Arg of the semester comes out shortly after. I'm ready to go back to Moscow, for the most part. Sitting home much longer may or may not cause me to kill a person or two. Right now, all is calm because the internet is working and I've still got a couple of good books to keep my attention and occupy my time. Some nights make me wish I could poor someone's beverage o choice down the drain or be anywhere but here.
Somehow, after a horrible semester (most of it was mental) I somehow managed to pass all of my classes with three C's, two B's and one A. Don't ask me how because I don't know.
I'm rambling again. Damn it.
One last thing. I'm updating my Itunes library and need new music. Help me, people!
The four of us got up early and opened presents (did I mention that I'm spoiled?) and then had eggs and toast which is more than any of us except maybe my brother eat for breakfast on any given morning. My brother; he has a bottomless pit for a stomach but you wouldn't know it by looking at the kid. Here's my amazing list of gifts because it would be a shame not to share how awesome they are:
—a new stereo system which includes an Ipod dock except I don't have an Ipod. It's very pretty nonetheless and has amazing sound compared to the ghetto one I have now.
—a new zebra striped purse which is again very pretty. Anyone who has seen my ld purse can testify to how badly I needed a new one. Holes make things fall out and get lost.
—Sims 3 World Adventures; okay, the geek is coming out in me now. This game is awesome but I might not be one to talk because the Sims games are the only games I play. Except Wii Bowling. I kick ass at Wii Bowling.
—Plenty and plenty of new clothes but what girl doesn't love new clothes?
—A beautiful new scarf to add to my (small) collection. They've become my new obsession.
—A bath set which smells delicious. Hot bubble baths are always a good thing.
In other news, only one of my uncle's showed up yesterday because my other one is an idiot and succeeded to put my mom in tears and almost give my aunt a heart attack on Christmas. That story is for another time. We decided not to stress over him anymore for the time being and enjoyed a day of good food and family. It was a beautiful day, for the most part.
School starts back up on the 13th and the first Arg of the semester comes out shortly after. I'm ready to go back to Moscow, for the most part. Sitting home much longer may or may not cause me to kill a person or two. Right now, all is calm because the internet is working and I've still got a couple of good books to keep my attention and occupy my time. Some nights make me wish I could poor someone's beverage o choice down the drain or be anywhere but here.
Somehow, after a horrible semester (most of it was mental) I somehow managed to pass all of my classes with three C's, two B's and one A. Don't ask me how because I don't know.
I'm rambling again. Damn it.
One last thing. I'm updating my Itunes library and need new music. Help me, people!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Cuz' Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright
I've discovered recently that peace of mind is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I've also learned that too much alone time can cause someone to think too much and thinking too much is never a good thing. I think I've had too much alone time.
On the other hand, I went and had dinner and drinks with some of the most amazing people I know on Tuesday night. It was nice to get out of the house and away from the depths of my own thoughts for a while. There's nothing quite like real, deep laughter and a walk in the rain to soothe a soul. Today brought another adventure with another friend. We'll just say this was to celebrate surviving one hell of a semester. Sometimes I wonder.
I've taken all of my finals and written all of the papers that I need to for the semester, but the anxiety and the worry are still with me. I'm just trying to figure out why. I know that I'll be lucky to pass all of my classes this semester and I really don't deserve to. I've been a better student and it's time that I be a better student again.
My glasses are broken. It's the second time this year. I don't like it so much because while my eyes have adjusted my head hurts. And it all happened just in time for finals week too. I'll get new ones when I go home though.
Speaking of home, I'm going home tomorrow for 23 days. I love home, but not that much. I think I'd love it more if I weren't physically stuck in the house for the majority of the time. I'll live and overcome. There's no problem a good book and hot drink won't solve. I still need to pack and clean and do laundry, my god the laundry. I've also got a coffee date and at least one other person that I need a hug from. They really do make everything better.
I've found myself making up excuses to see him lately. I need to stop it because it's not right. I mean, he's a taken man. Forever. I still feel really awkward when I run into them together, but I shouldn't. I get all shy and quiet and flustered. I guess it's because sometimes...wait, never mind. I'll keep that thought to myself because it's going to do nothing but cause trouble anyway
This was the first year that I had my own money to buy Christmas gifts for other people with. It wasn't much and not many people will get gifts because I'm a college student with little money, but I'm still happy that I get to give other people gifts. That's what this is all about anyway, right?
I've decided that every little thing is going to be alright. I'm going to make it that way.
On the other hand, I went and had dinner and drinks with some of the most amazing people I know on Tuesday night. It was nice to get out of the house and away from the depths of my own thoughts for a while. There's nothing quite like real, deep laughter and a walk in the rain to soothe a soul. Today brought another adventure with another friend. We'll just say this was to celebrate surviving one hell of a semester. Sometimes I wonder.
I've taken all of my finals and written all of the papers that I need to for the semester, but the anxiety and the worry are still with me. I'm just trying to figure out why. I know that I'll be lucky to pass all of my classes this semester and I really don't deserve to. I've been a better student and it's time that I be a better student again.
My glasses are broken. It's the second time this year. I don't like it so much because while my eyes have adjusted my head hurts. And it all happened just in time for finals week too. I'll get new ones when I go home though.
Speaking of home, I'm going home tomorrow for 23 days. I love home, but not that much. I think I'd love it more if I weren't physically stuck in the house for the majority of the time. I'll live and overcome. There's no problem a good book and hot drink won't solve. I still need to pack and clean and do laundry, my god the laundry. I've also got a coffee date and at least one other person that I need a hug from. They really do make everything better.
I've found myself making up excuses to see him lately. I need to stop it because it's not right. I mean, he's a taken man. Forever. I still feel really awkward when I run into them together, but I shouldn't. I get all shy and quiet and flustered. I guess it's because sometimes...wait, never mind. I'll keep that thought to myself because it's going to do nothing but cause trouble anyway
This was the first year that I had my own money to buy Christmas gifts for other people with. It wasn't much and not many people will get gifts because I'm a college student with little money, but I'm still happy that I get to give other people gifts. That's what this is all about anyway, right?
I've decided that every little thing is going to be alright. I'm going to make it that way.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Two Weeks
Two weeks.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.
Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.
Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.
Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.
Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.
What do your next two weeks look like?
Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.
Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.
Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.
Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.
Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.
What do your next two weeks look like?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Blessed I Be
Thanksgiving was great. It was just my mom and dad, Josh, Paul, Shawn and I so it started out and ended up as a very relaxing day. My mom prepares a feast like nobody else. Nobody could move by the end of the night but we couldn't get enough of the amazing food. The menu this year was pretty much the same as it is every year, but tradition is part of Thanksgiving isn't it? The menu consisted of: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, fruit salad, green beans, rolls, green and black olives, pickles, pumpkin pie and apple pie. There were also a vegetable tray, cheese and cracker tray, pretzels and chips and dip. It's not as extravagant as some Thanksgiving dinners are but it doesn't need to be.
Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.
Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.
My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.
An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.
As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.
I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.
I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.
Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.
Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.
My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.
An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.
As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.
I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.
I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)