You Say You Want A Revolution

Heaven Forbid

2010-05-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write this for a long time. Each time I get a couple of sentences in I erase everything and pretend that nothings wrong. That I don't have a million and one things eating away at me.

I failed my Spanish class. I'm 99 percent sure I failed my Critical Issues in the Media class. Never before in my student career has such a thing happened, math courses are the one exception. I'll take responsibility for failing them because it is my fault and to say otherwise would make me a coward. I need to get my act together and now. If I can't make it in college how in the hell am I going to survive the real world? I don't want to be one of those 40-somethings living with her parents because she can't take care of herself or function on a normal level within society.

My twenty-second birthday is coming up and at first I was excited about the prospect of spending it with friends and family but now it's just making me realize that I'm in the same place this year that I have been for the past several years. Sure, I live on my own but in the big picture of life that doesn't mean so much. I don't smoke, do drugs and rarely drink. We won't even begin to discuss my lack of a romantic life. Everybody I know is either married or has kids. I don't want either right away but I'm sick of being alone. I'm afraid that it'll be that way forever though and it kills me.

Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Everyday I wake up and pretend that I'm okay. That life is wonderful and I'm happy. Sometimes I am happy. Life's a beautiful thing. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed. I d much better when I have stuff that needs to get done and people that are depending on me and now that school's out for summer and Argonaut is almost at a stand still I have no responsibility. Just time to think.

And I think to much.

No, really. I do. How do you turn off your mind? Can you teach me, please? Maybe then I wouldn't think about why my body hates me so much and if I'll ever get to be off of these antibiotics. I'm not good at remembering to take them and they make the rest of me feel like hell anyway.

Maybe I could run away and reinvent myself and a new life somewhere far away from here. Maybe then I wouldn't think so much.

Heaven forbid, I end up alone.

Midnight (Revision)

2010-03-02T23:26:00.000-08:00

She’s curled up in bed with pint-sized
preschool princesses and their pageants
on the television. Wednesday’s don’t hold
much excitement for the new kid in town.

The music coming from her phone tells her
to hold out hope. The night’s not over yet.
‘Be awake in an hour.’ Four little words
turn her into a maniac. The dishes are done
and the laundry put away in record time. She slides
out of pajamas and into casual chic clothing.

Headlights flicker into the window. As quick as
the lights appear, they’re gone again. John, Paul, George
and Ringo tell her to open the door. The smell of Taco
Bell on his skin and the moonlight in his eyes greet her.

Making small talk as if that’s the way they’ve always done things
tells her that he’s found his very own princess, a queen really,
who dances to the beat of the same restless dream and that being the new
kid in town makes stuffing newspapers into envelopes on a sweltering
Thursday afternoon makes her feel useful. Making small talk like they do
a sad attempt at filling an appetite that should no longer be there.

‘I should go now’ breaks her every time. He stays a few minutes longer
anyway. The warmth that between their skin and the soft whispers
into ears remind them of the past. With a kiss on the forehead and arms
lingering around her waist a touch too long, he walks out the door.

Folding newspapers and stuffing envelopes keeps her mind busy until
the phone rings. His name on the caller ID takes her back but she answers
anyway. She probably always will. Making small talk won’t change anything.
Is she okay? He already knows she’s not but he still asks. They say goodbye
and go on with their lives. Him, with the girl of his dreams and the ability to
let the past be and her left to pick up the pieces. Until next time.

Time Of My Life

2009-12-31T10:53:00.000-08:00

This year, more than any other year, has taught me more about life and about death, about friends and about enemies, about successes and failures, the strength of family and about becoming my own person than I ever thought there was to know, especially in the course of twelve glorious, yet tumultuous months. Anybody who knows me, really knows me, knows that 2009 has challenged me again and again, it's tested my faith and showed me that I can do whatever I want to and that anybody who doesn't believe doesn't matter.

Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.

Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.

I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.

I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.

And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.

2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.

And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.

For The Most Part

2009-12-26T17:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas is done for the year and it was a pleasure, for the most part. We'll get to the most part soon enough but first I'm reminded of just how lucky (and spoiled) I really am. Yesterday was spent with just my parents and brother and one of my uncles, but it';s nice that way. There's no pressure and no drama, for the most part.

The four of us got up early and opened presents (did I mention that I'm spoiled?) and then had eggs and toast which is more than any of us except maybe my brother eat for breakfast on any given morning. My brother; he has a bottomless pit for a stomach but you wouldn't know it by looking at the kid. Here's my amazing list of gifts because it would be a shame not to share how awesome they are:

—a new stereo system which includes an Ipod dock except I don't have an Ipod. It's very pretty nonetheless and has amazing sound compared to the ghetto one I have now.
—a new zebra striped purse which is again very pretty. Anyone who has seen my ld purse can testify to how badly I needed a new one. Holes make things fall out and get lost.
—Sims 3 World Adventures; okay, the geek is coming out in me now. This game is awesome but I might not be one to talk because the Sims games are the only games I play. Except Wii Bowling. I kick ass at Wii Bowling.
—Plenty and plenty of new clothes but what girl doesn't love new clothes?
—A beautiful new scarf to add to my (small) collection. They've become my new obsession.
—A bath set which smells delicious. Hot bubble baths are always a good thing.

In other news, only one of my uncle's showed up yesterday because my other one is an idiot and succeeded to put my mom in tears and almost give my aunt a heart attack on Christmas. That story is for another time. We decided not to stress over him anymore for the time being and enjoyed a day of good food and family. It was a beautiful day, for the most part.

School starts back up on the 13th and the first Arg of the semester comes out shortly after. I'm ready to go back to Moscow, for the most part. Sitting home much longer may or may not cause me to kill a person or two. Right now, all is calm because the internet is working and I've still got a couple of good books to keep my attention and occupy my time. Some nights make me wish I could poor someone's beverage o choice down the drain or be anywhere but here.

Somehow, after a horrible semester (most of it was mental) I somehow managed to pass all of my classes with three C's, two B's and one A. Don't ask me how because I don't know.

I'm rambling again. Damn it.

One last thing. I'm updating my Itunes library and need new music. Help me, people!

Cuz' Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

2009-12-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

I've discovered recently that peace of mind is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I've also learned that too much alone time can cause someone to think too much and thinking too much is never a good thing. I think I've had too much alone time.

On the other hand, I went and had dinner and drinks with some of the most amazing people I know on Tuesday night. It was nice to get out of the house and away from the depths of my own thoughts for a while. There's nothing quite like real, deep laughter and a walk in the rain to soothe a soul. Today brought another adventure with another friend. We'll just say this was to celebrate surviving one hell of a semester. Sometimes I wonder.

I've taken all of my finals and written all of the papers that I need to for the semester, but the anxiety and the worry are still with me. I'm just trying to figure out why. I know that I'll be lucky to pass all of my classes this semester and I really don't deserve to. I've been a better student and it's time that I be a better student again.

My glasses are broken. It's the second time this year. I don't like it so much because while my eyes have adjusted my head hurts. And it all happened just in time for finals week too. I'll get new ones when I go home though.

Speaking of home, I'm going home tomorrow for 23 days. I love home, but not that much. I think I'd love it more if I weren't physically stuck in the house for the majority of the time. I'll live and overcome. There's no problem a good book and hot drink won't solve. I still need to pack and clean and do laundry, my god the laundry. I've also got a coffee date and at least one other person that I need a hug from. They really do make everything better.

I've found myself making up excuses to see him lately. I need to stop it because it's not right. I mean, he's a taken man. Forever. I still feel really awkward when I run into them together, but I shouldn't. I get all shy and quiet and flustered. I guess it's because sometimes...wait, never mind. I'll keep that thought to myself because it's going to do nothing but cause trouble anyway

This was the first year that I had my own money to buy Christmas gifts for other people with. It wasn't much and not many people will get gifts because I'm a college student with little money, but I'm still happy that I get to give other people gifts. That's what this is all about anyway, right?

I've decided that every little thing is going to be alright. I'm going to make it that way.

Two Weeks

2009-12-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

Two weeks.

Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.

Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.

Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.

Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.

Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.

Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.

What do your next two weeks look like?

Blessed I Be

2009-11-27T05:24:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was great. It was just my mom and dad, Josh, Paul, Shawn and I so it started out and ended up as a very relaxing day. My mom prepares a feast like nobody else. Nobody could move by the end of the night but we couldn't get enough of the amazing food. The menu this year was pretty much the same as it is every year, but tradition is part of Thanksgiving isn't it? The menu consisted of: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, fruit salad, green beans, rolls, green and black olives, pickles, pumpkin pie and apple pie. There were also a vegetable tray, cheese and cracker tray, pretzels and chips and dip. It's not as extravagant as some Thanksgiving dinners are but it doesn't need to be.

Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.

Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.

My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.

An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.

As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.

I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.

I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.

Sunday, Sweet Sunday

2009-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

Sunday's at my parent's house have always been the one day of the week where nobody has any other commitments and we tend to lay around the house in our pajamas all day. My dad will cook a good breakfast and my brother goes to to get the newspaper and takes our drink orders while he's there as well.

Sunday's are definitely my favorite day of the week. Especially, when I don't have a staff meeting for the Arg to attend or homework to worry about, even if it is only because we're on Thanksgiving break.

Now if only I weren't sick and there wasn't snow on the ground. But this, I'll take this.

This next week has lots of exciting things in store as well. As Kelty put it, I've got a lot of hell to raise in two day's time. Hell raising is fun though.

Call Me Irresponsible

2009-11-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

I've got so much to tell, but I'm not sure how to organize my thoughts so that anybody else can understand them so I'll go day by day because that will probably be easier to comprehend, maybe. It's been one hell of a week and this week is going to be busy and crazy as well.

Sunday--My mommy came down for a couple of hours and so we hung out here and ordered pasta from Pizza Hut which is quite good, by the way. She tries to come down every couple of weeks and it's nice especially because I refuse to come home until Thanksgiving break starts and then Christmas break. That's a whole other story though. The staff meeting was uneventful. Marcus was back after taking a week to cool off and in an exceptionally good mood. I took two stories and maybe should've only taken one but I'll pull it off. I always do.

Monday--Monday's are always intense because they're so jam-packed. The Red Bull Run was back in full swing seeing a how the topic of conversation quickly came around to sex and nudity. Oops. Geography was boring, but it always is to me. When it came time for English things got interesting. We were all sitting in class waiting for our teacher to arrive and at three minutes after class was supposed to start James checks his email and then bursts out laughing because just then the teacher had sent an email saying that class was cancelled for the day. We laughed it off and moved on. I then went and had coffee with Kelsey before my lab. Micah and Elizabeth eventually showed up before I had to leave. Production was interesting and entertaining as always.

Tuesday--I left the house early because when I grabbed my Mac from Kelsey the night before I forgot to grab the cord and so I needed to get it from her desk. Then I went to class and more class and more class. And then a quick walk back to the SUB with Jake to catch the bus home. There were lots of riders that night so it was fun. Home just meant that I had laundry and homework but home is still good.

Wednesday--I was exhausted for some reason and had tons to do. I missed my geography class because I had an interview for the Veteran's Day story which went very well. I then missed my English class because I needed to cover the actual event but it was okay because I turned my assignment into him early. The Veteran's Day lunch was totally worth missing class for too. Jake got some awesome pictures and both the story and pictures ended up on the front page of the Arg. I then went back to the newsroom to ask Marcus if he would extend my deadline from three to five, and he did. I still hated asking, though. I went home and wrote the story. Just in time too, because then Ian showed up. We'll save that conversation for another day, however. Let's just say that I needed a good, strong drink or some sleep afterward. Neither of which I received.

Thursday--Abu gave us study guides for tests on Tuesday in both of his classes but they're big ones. We met for Dinah's class to discuss where are news stories are and what we'll be doing the rest of the semester. Between Ethics and Dinah's class I went to sign my payroll but could only sign my one for whatever writing I've done because the production ones weren't ready yet and Shawn wasn't in his office. After Dinah's class I went back to the SUB again to sign my production payroll before Global Media. After class Jake walked with me to production which was entertaining as always.

Friday--I had both my Geography and English classes. My English class is definitely getting more entertaining each day. After classes I went and sat at he cafe inside the SUB with a book and a chai. Ryan showed up and we sat their with our coffees and book (me) and computer (him). Ian and Emily came by and that threw me completely off. I came home expecting a night of peace but then Mandi showed up (uggh) and so we hung out.

Today--I slept way longer than I needed to and then went to the KUOI sale, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I ran into both Mark and Ryan there. On the way home I stopped and got a chai and now I'm here...procrastinating.

When's Thanksgiving break again?

Under Pressure

2009-11-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

I've been busy, really busy which coincidentally leaves little to no time for updating this; as much as I want to. Wednesday's usually my light day each week, but no more.
I've got two classes, an interview (or five), a story to write by the 3 p.m. deadline for an event that isn't happening until noon, laundry, homework and maybe I'll eventually get some sleep in.
I'm so overwhelmed. I hope that I can get my story in by deadline and have it be good. I also need to do some major research for a package of news stories that I'm working on for Dinah's class. Which reminds me that I also need to have a resume and cover letter ready for her tomorrow.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this down because it sure as hell isn't interesting but considering that I can't think straight right now but I will get through today.
Not that the pressure's on or anything.

Any Other Friday

2009-11-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today I...

--played tour guide to a family while riding a bus on a very hilly campus. It was very impromptu.
--enjoyed a few moments of peace with a good book and a warm chai. The book was "Beloved" by Toni Morrison and the chai was of the vanilla sort.
--saw a friend and his fiance without them seeing me. I then proceeded to play chicken and wheeled in the opposite direction rather quickly. It's not them, it's me.
--met a neighbor while playing the aforementioned role of impromptu tour guide. She's quite nice.
--reconnected with an old classmate. We hadn't seen each other in about 10 years or so. It was fun playing catch up and talking about where we had been, where we are and where we want to go.
--was invited to a pizza party but politely declined.
--embraced the sunshine and the wind both.
--was reminded for the millionth time that I'm gullible and there's a reason I trust the people I do.
--lived through the most boring English class ever. That's a lot coming from me.
--rediscovered Bob Marley.
--need short story ideas.
--am thankful for a peaceful soul. Please don't take that away from me.

A Long December

2009-11-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

Why do song lyrics always say it best?

I'm overwhelmed. I have tons to do and neither the desire or energy to do any of it. I miss my friends. I think I'm losing the two people in the world who mean the most to me; the two people who I trust with everything. My skin hurts. I used to have beautiful, soft skin but alas.

Somedays getting out of bed almost isn't worth it. I long for people, but the people here have their own lives, concerns, worries and they should. It's just that...I guess I've been spoiled in the people department until now. I've become somewhat of an introvert and thats just not me. I miss having people around who understood, or tried. Moscow's not all bad, don't get me wrong. If I've learned one thing since I've been here though it's that there's no place like home.

The Argonaut has been one hell of an experience; one that I know will be worth it in the end. You see, I've never been of the competitive type. I've never had to be, until now. It'll be good, though. Toughen me up, right? I've always said that the best thing about journalism is the people, and to this day it's true. But what if they don't think I'm a good enough writer or a stunning page designer? What happens then?

Maybe, I just need sunshine, or a good belly laugh, or a good long hug.

Why does he always come to my mind? Just stop it already, please. He's not making it any easier.

As for me, I think it's time to try and get some sleep because there will always be tomorrow.

So That It No Longer Threatens The Life It Belongs To

2009-11-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

After you left, I grieved and I began to move on. I concentrated on school and friends and myself. Sure, you were in the back of my mind somewhere but you'll always be there. It's just the way you and I work.

I moved and when I was getting ready to move I knew that us being in the same town could be beautiful or it could be painful. It turns out that its been a good mix of both.

We'll run into each other by chance or meet because one of us sends a text to the other saying come see me. And I fall for it every time; except I should know better because it makes it hard.

Seeing you makes it really hard not to miss you. In fact, it makes it damn near impossible not to miss you. And I miss you most not when you haven't been around, but rather after I've spent some time with you because thats when all these memories and all these emotions well up inside of me and refuse to leave without putting up a fight. When you're gone it's easy to move on with life and preoccupy myself with other concerns.

That being said, I'm not sure that I could handle you not being in my life. Because you are one of only two people I trust in this whole wide world.

Its not even that I'm in love with you anymore, its just that I miss being with you. Falling asleep in your arms and knowing that you'd never let anything bad happen. Talking, really talking to you, about everything and about nothing. Having your complete attention and knowing that neither one of us has anywhere or anyone to rush off to. I miss having you care. I miss midnight.

I miss you and I know that I shouldn't.

And now that I've gotten this off of my chest so that it no longer threatens the life it belongs to.

Beautiful

2009-11-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

I was on my way inside the Commons on this blustery, windy morning. It had so far been one of those mornings where I was feeling a bit on the shabby side. My goal was to make it through the one class I'd had left and then go home and curl up in bed with a good book. I sure as hell wasn't feeling pretty and being outside, much less in a public place wasn't helping my mood.

I've almost reached the door when without a word and just a smile, a young man comes up to me and puts a card in my hand. I turn it over and it reads

You are beautiful.

Overcome with happiness I look at him as he smiles and nods again and walks away.

Now, I'm sure that I wasn't the only person to get one of these cards today, but it makes today so worth it. And to everybody else, just remember

You are beautiful.

Midnight

2009-11-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

“Be awake in an hour”
the butterflies kick up a storm inside
my soul. But I can't help it.
This love is deep
deeper than I could have ever wished.

The clock strikes midnight and
my face is as bright as the moon because
before long you'll be here and
wrapped in your arms I'll feel complete.

The phone rings and your voice instantly grounds me;
making small talk as if that's the way we've always done things.
You talk of how happy you are with her and
how things are falling into place.

Sharing secrets and sweet lullabies;
it's just something that you and I do.

“She's pregnant” your shaky voice says
and through that beautiful smile I see
that you've never been more excited
or scared. Even the best fall down sometimes.

Out with friends and
Jimmy Buffets Love Child;
laughter is contagious, it's true.
One message darkens my world
“The doctor says it's not true”
so it is that heartbreak and despair
are also contagious.

Why is it that we're so connected?
They say its not right, but
sharing secrets and sweet lullabies;
it's just something that you and I do.

Nothing will ever come of you and I again; this I know
but we still have midnight.

Nothing will ever come of you and I again; this I know
but we still have midnight.

Daddy's Little Girl

2008-11-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

Her tiny fingers wrapped in his big, dark palm
The beginnings of dark curls and jade green eyes
Peaceful. Content.
Just like him.
47 minutes, 6 seconds,
And she was already
Daddy's Little Girl.

Sandcastles and snowcones
Olive skin and long legs
Belly laughs and funny faces
It was summertime on the ocean
One they'd never forget.

Sixteen years old and a rebel
Blue raspberry hair and tattoos
Her first boyfriend and her first car
Neither would last
She was independent and stubborn
Just like him.

Red roses and a white dress
The beach at sunset
Family and close friends
A wedding, and a dance
They both knew she would always be
Daddy's Little Girl.

Unpretty

2008-11-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

The pretty girls
With their thick, perfect hair
And closets full of clothes
Armani and Prada
Are the only things that touch their skin.

They point and laugh
On the way to their BMW's,
In designer outfits
That their rich daddies bought them
Just because.

I sit here, alone.
My greasy, frizzy hair hangs knotted down my back
An outfit that was popular twenty years ago
Hand me downs and thrift store finds
Are the only things we can afford.

I stare into their faces, coated with too much makeup
As the dirty van, clunky and broken, pulls into the parking lot.
We'll be lucky if we make it wherever it is that we're going.
My mother, brothers and sisters sit waiting
To go dumpster diving for unknown treasures.

What I would give to be beautiful, like them.
But the dirty clothes and the broken van
The hard life, it's made me what I am.
What I'll always be
Unpretty.

Rise Above This

2008-10-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened lately. So much so that sometimes it's really hard for me to stay calm, collected and cool. In fact, I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I miss it, but I'm not sure how to fix everything anymore. A very dear friend recently said "You've got a million thoughts and emotions running through your head right now. So let them out." And I've finally admitted that this is what's got to happen. Except for this time I'm going to write, because it doesn't come out so good as speech.

--I hate bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's not fair and I don't like it anymore, but I don't know how to fix it either.

--I have the most amazing friends ever. They know that someting is wrong just by looking at me most of the time. They've played therapist wayyy more than they should have to lately and I feel really bad about that. I don't want to burden them with my craziness because I know that some people have it way worse than I do and it's not fair to them when my problems start taking a toll on them. I should be more grateful, and deep down I am.

--I miss my best friends. I didn't realize how lucky I was until they moved away (Kels, Jess, Kat, Shelly) and reality started to sink in. Sometimes I feel a bit left behind because normal people know how to move on with their lives (literally and figuratively) and be happy. And I...I'm still here.

--I wish I didn't become so attached to certain people and things because it's not fair to them and really not healthy.

--I want to be happy again. Really happy.

--School is really kicking my ass this semester. I mean I love learning and I love the social aspect, but sometimes things just get to be too much. I'm there and I think I've probably been there for a while now. Math is just plain difficult for me and I'm afraid that I'll have to drop the class if I didn't do well on this last test. I really don't want to do that. History and Psych are good :) My Environmental Science class is very interesting. The teacher is great and the lab is fun, but very challenging. I'm very thankful for my English class because it lets me be creative in my writing, yet it forces me to write.

--And then there's The Sentinel. First off, let me say that this paper is my daily dose of humor and sarcasm. I don't think I could live without it. I really don't Nils is a crazy old man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been very blessed to meet some great (egotistical and crazy) people that have changed my life, even when they move far away.

I'm sure there's more, but for now this will have to suffice, because I will rise above this. I will be okay.

If you've made it this far thank you so much! :)

Bubbles

2008-09-18T19:00:00.003-07:00

It begins with a meltdown
Talk me down. Let me cry it out.
A kind word. The inquisition.

It ends with bubbles.
Spin me in circles. Make me laugh.
Thank you for caring.

One

2008-09-18T19:00:00.002-07:00

One summer of passion.
The beach at sunset.
Tequila and ACDC
We were in love.

One crisp autumn afternoon
The falling leaves of the maple
The test was positive
We were scared.

One cold, harsh winter
A blanket of snow covering the past
A rose, and a handwritten note
I was alone.

One fresh spring day
Flowers blooming and bees humming
The pain is getting worse
A fresh face. A blessing.

Home

2008-09-18T19:00:00.001-07:00

The television is on
Football blaring from its speakers
People crowded around
Screaming out plays, and insults
Jumping up and down

The kitchen is a mess
Packed full of chips and dip
Pizza and coke
It’s become a free-for-all
An all-you-can eat buffet.

Candles scent the air.
Lamps light the way
When you come, you won’t want to leave
Because it feels right.
Because it fits.

Home.

Tick Tock

2008-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
Time’s running out.
You’re running away
You’ll be running forever.

The rage
It consumes you
Hardens your soul
Breaks my heart

The twinkle in your eyes
It's gone, faster then it was ever there.
The warmth within, no more
Ice, breaking. Just like you.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Times running out
You’re running away
You'll be running forever.

When Everything's Made To Be Broken

2008-09-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

"When Everything's Made To Be Broken/I Just Want You To Know Who I Am"

How can one phrase hold so much meaning? So much emotion?

He's happy. He wants to marry her and grow old with her. She is all he's ever wanted and his dream has finally come true. He went to see her tonight and I know he had a great time. I just hope she isn't taking him for granted. My Beautiful Boy.

Where does this leave me? Back in the friend stage. He wants to be friends and so do I, but it kills me. I pretend everything is okay, for him. I want him to be happy.

It's just that...I still love him. I know I shouldn't but I do.

He doesn't love me anymore. Why can't I accept this?

So what happens now? What happens when everything's made to be broken?

Goodbye, My Love

2008-09-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

The crushing silence of the ocean
The harsh screeches of the gulls
Long beaches stretched wide and open
Shells taken with the heavy pull of each wave.

The morning tide brings new treasures
Empty conk shells abandoned in the sand
A quiet morning stroll yields promise
A new day begun. A new beginning found.

Sunrises bring new songs to the skies
The waves carry with them folk tales from distant shores
New stories to be told.
Old stories to be found.

A message in a bottle
A secret not to a lost love
“To my dearest…” it begins
“Please forgive me…” is how it ends.

Just Another Game Won

2008-09-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

The chime of the doorbell rings
The music pumps inside
B.Y.O.B on the minds of the young, not so innocent
Not a sober being in the place.

Slurred shouting in the air
Booming laughter grabs attention
Spilled Budweiser pools
In shag carpet and across acid wash jeans
Burnt popcorn faces rejection.

The outside air smells of drugs
Useless banter and humorless jokes
The smoke from the bonfire and filtered cigarettes
Rises in plumes and hangs in a cloud
Above the drugged out faces
After the Friday night football game.

A Sneak Peak: 100% Juice

2008-09-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

*The following is my first column as the A&E editor. Let me know what you think, k?*

Music. Theatre. Television and Movies. Games. These are the things that make up American culture. Watching overrated celebrities live their drama-filled lives instead of going out and living our own is the American way. We’re constantly watching and waiting to see what brainless, dim-witted move the trashy Britney Spears, or the even trashier Amy Winehouse makes. We’re fascinated with Hollywood and the stars that call it home. We’ve forever been sucked into the ways of pop culture, and we’re loving every minute of it.

Twenty years ago, everyday people actually led real lives. They went to work and school. Ate dinner as a family and spent time together that wasn’t in front of the TV. Hollywood was just entertainment, the occasional indulgence, if you will. Today, Hollywood is so much more than entertainment. Hollywood is an escape from the pressures of real life. Hollywood is an excuse not to be the best we can. It has ruined the great America that once was. How? Like I said earlier, we spend more time following the lives of our favorite celebrities instead of going out and making a life of our own. Is there something wrong with that picture, or is it just me?

That being said, I’m your new A&E editor and I’m not all cynical and skeptical, because as much as I think that Hollywood is overrated it has irrevocably sucked me into its depths as well. The arts and entertainment industry isn’t all bad either, especially the local scene. To be honest, NIC students are really lucky to live where we do. If you aren’t familiar with the local arts scene it’s about time you wake up and take a good look around because our local fine arts scene is booming with tons of great musicians and artists that hold great shows at really great prices (can we say FREE!) fairly often. There’s rarely a day that goes by where something isn’t happening at NIC that’s entertainment or fine arts related, and it’s encouragement for students to get involved on campus and in the community. It’s proven that when people, especially young people get involved in their community they are more likely to be successful and lead happier, more fulfilled lives. So go out and find a local artist to support!

Seeing as if you’re reading this it’s likely that you’re a student or faculty member at NIC, so I want to know what you want to see in the Arts & Entertainment section of The Sentinel. What will make you read The Sentinel, and perhaps even enjoy it?

Bloody Hell

2008-08-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

So much has happened this past week that I have to write it down because it's beginning to take its toll on me and on others that it shouldn't be. A fair warning though, this isn't going to be pretty. I have a lot of stress, frustration, and anger that's going to come out. So, if you don't want to hear about it, leave now.

First off, why is it that I become so attached to certain people and certain things? I know that nothing lasts forever, yet I can't seem to stop letting my feelings and those god damned emotions get the best of me. I've known for a while now that it wasn't meant to be, yet I still catch him in my dreams ad in my heart. I say that I'll be happy when and if he is, but damn it, it's just not happening that way. I've got to let go if i'm going to be happy again, but I don't thik i'm ready for that, as crazy as it sounds.

On to other things, I love school and my friends but this week was too much. I spent almost $500 on textbooks and I still don't have one that I need and one that my brother needs. I think its a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Do textbooks really need to cost that much?

I spent all week working Bookswap and while it has its benefits I miss my friends. I miss my crazy, wild friends who let me vent, cry, scream and cry some more in the middle of the night and don't say a word. They just listen. They don't judge. Those who listen. Those who make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. They've helped me through one of the hardest weeks of my life and they know who the are. The rest of you don't need to worry about it.

Basically, I've been a big ball of emotions all week and it really needs to stop. I don't like crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. What I've said here is just touching the surface. There's a lot going on that goes much deeper, but I just needed to put some of this down in writing because I don't think I can handle holding it much longer.

Because Sometimes I Have Trouble Remembering...

2008-07-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

Life is an opportunity, …. benefit from it.
Life is beauty, …. admire it.
Life is bliss, …. taste it.
Life is a dream, …. realize it.
Life is a challenge, …. meet it.
Life is a duty, …. complete it.
Life is a game, …. play it.
Life is a promise, ….fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, …. overcome it.
Life is a song, …. sing it.
Life is a struggle, …. accept it.
Life is a tragedy…. confront it.
Life is an adventure, …. dare it.
Life is luck, …. make it.
Life is too precious, …. do not destroy it.
Life is life, …. fight for it.

Because

2008-07-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

Because I have nothing to say but lots of thoughts.
Because I am a veryyy tired girl.
Because I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry.
Because I miss my friends, and the boy.
Because I'm in a funk, a cloud if you will, that I can't seem to break away from.
Because I need to run away for a little while.
Because I know thats not going to happen.
Because I love you.

***I'll be back in a day or two***

Thoughts On Independence

2008-07-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today is the day where we as Americans are supposed to celebrate our hard fought freedom and independence. That's what we do, after all. Fight. That's what we are. A nation of fighters. We don't give up on what we believe is right or what we believe belongs to us. It's always been that way though.

In the very beginning we fought to be independent of Great Britain. To become our own country. Later we fought against the Spanish conquistadors for land that we each claimed as our own. And then there were the World Wars where our safety and our position as a great world power were at stake like never before. Vietnam was the first controversial war that the United States fought in. War was being waged on two different fronts; in the lush green jungles of Cambodia and on the riot filled streets of the places we all call home. That brings us current.
Today we are still fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting because that's what we do. Fighting, because it needs to be done.

It seems that many people would rather not fight anymore. They instead bash the Bush and all he's done. If only they knew that Clinton could have had Bin Laden captured but chose not too. If only they cared.

How are we supposed to protect ourselves if we don't fight? We wouldn't be able to, much less know how. The troops, heroes they are, know this and have given up their freedoms so that don't have too. We should thank them, but instead we burn our flag. We should pray for them, but instead we curse them. Thousands of young men and women are still dying today so that we can remain the selfish fools we are.

Sometime today, in between barbeques and fireworks we should all take a moment to reflect on why we're celebrating. Because without those selfless young men and women who gave their lives and still continue to do so, we would have no reason to celebrate.

Happy Independence Day!

4 Months Of God's Mercy

2008-06-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

It was Sept. 17, 2002, and Beverly Ingersoll, office manager at NIC’s Riverbend Professional Technical Academy, was living her worst nightmare. Her husband and best friend of 35 years, Larry Seaton, had just been diagnosed with lung cancer that had already spread in a dangerous manner to his brain.

Ingersoll said she noticed something wasn’t right months earlier in June of 2002 when Larry started forgetting things, such as driving directions and where he would put stuff.

“Never in my wildest dreams was I prepared for how horribly things were about to change in my life,” Beverly Ingersoll wrote in her book “4 Months Of God’s Mercy,” which detailed her and Larry’s last four months together.

Ingersoll became increasingly worried about her husband’s health in Sept. 2002 when his memory loss became so great that he could not remember the address of the company he was supposed to be delivering to for his company. According to Ingersoll, this was a major red flag because her husband was an expert at reading maps and finding addresses. She finally convinced him to see their doctor.

“I never told Larry what to do or demanded things from him, but I felt he desperately needed to see our doctor,” Ingersoll wrote. When he again refused, I was near tears and said that I was extremely concerned and needed him to see the doctor for my own peace of mind.”

She said Larry didn’t react much when doctors told him he had three brain tumors as well as tumors in his lungs. His brain was so swollen that doctors told him if they didn’t get the swelling down right away that he would die in the next 24 hours.

Ingersoll said she rushed Larry to the hospital where their children and families met them. Larry was admitted and started on medicine to reduce the swelling in his brain. While he was resting, Ingersoll had finally received a chance to comprehend how quickly her life had changed now that her husband was fighting for his life.

“My initial reaction, of course, was shock at the news as I knew something was wrong. I just didn't have any idea it would be cancer since he was not in any pain and didn't act like he was sick,” Ingersoll said. “After that had time to sink in, I totally relied on the Lord, since this was too big for me to handle or even comprehend the entire scope of what was happening.”

Two days later, Sept. 19, 2002, Larry was scheduled for brain surgery to remove as much of the tumors as possible. Ingersoll remembers the night before his brain surgery as a particularly miraculous one. She laid there holding Larry as he drifted off to sleep. She said she prayed to God to be merciful and that her husband wouldn’t suffer.

Before long angels were circling the room, at first just a few but then the room filled with them and a sense of peace and weightlessness. Ingersoll said it was at that moment that she knew both Larry and she would be all right.

She said they spent the next four months cherishing every minute they had together. Larry refused further treatment and took everything in good humor.

“Larry and I were able to find peace with his death. We were able to spend the last four months of his life feeling good about our lives, our love, our family and all the blessings we had over the many years together,” Ingersoll said. “We didn't get angry or frustrated or spend time dwelling on the whys and what-ifs. It was a time for us to say our goodbyes and for him to get things finalized so he could go without any unfinished business.”

Ingersoll said those last four months were filled with beauty, love and thanksgiving. Both she and her husband were able to enjoy one another because “The Lord gave them peace of mind.”
But nothing comes without sacrifice.

Ingersoll said there were many nights where she would cry herself to sleep, but she knew God would give her the strength she needed. And he did just that.

“The hardest part of watching my husband and my best friend of 35 years die is that I couldn't do anything to change it. I couldn't stop what's happening to them or to my whole family,” Ingersoll said. “It's an extremely helpless feeling, but at the same time when you allow God to be in control, you know that His will, will be done and that is always better than anything you can do. I knew that Larry was going to heaven. What better than that can ever happen to a person?”

Ingersoll, her children, their spouses and even neighbors helped make Larry as comfortable and happy as they could for as long as possible. Everyone enjoyed spending time with him and made sure he enjoyed every last minute and he did, according to Ingersoll, except for a horrible airport situation in Las Vegas during a trip in October.

When Ingersoll, Larry and their children were leaving Las Vegas, an airport security guard didn’t believe that Larry had a steel plate in his head even with a letter from his doctor explaining so. After relentless persistence on the part of Beverly and the rest of the family, an exhausted Larry was finally allowed through security.

“Here was a wannabe cop harassing a true soldier and a hero, and we could do nothing about it. Only when Larry was nearly passing out did the security guard finally allow him to pass through,” Ingersoll wrote. “He never did read the letter; he just handed it back to Larry. We were all in tears by the time Larry was allowed to leave the area.”

According to Ingersoll, as Larry’s cancer progressed he made sure to spend as much time with his grandchildren as possible. He would go to their birthday parties and school activities. One last trip to the pumpkin patch was also in order. He would get tired, but it was a good tired, Ingersoll said.

The doctors would soon take Larry’s driver’s license away from him as a safety precaution. This, said Ingersoll, next to losing his hair, may have been one of the hardest parts for Larry. He had purchased a brand new truck four months before his license was taken away and would never be able to drive again, said Ingersoll. However, Larry did drive to his favorite mocha stand while Beverly was at work. Luckily, a neighbor would jump in the truck with him so nothing dangerous could happen.

“I took the keys off the hook and put them away, which made me feel like some kind of monster. Larry pleaded with me; he begged and wept for the longest time,” Ingersoll said. “Taking away a small piece of his manhood nearly destroyed him and almost broke my heart to see him like that.”

Shortly after, Ingersoll took a family medical leave work to spend the rest of Larry’s days beside him. It was the week of Thanksgiving 2002. According to Ingersoll, the next nine weeks were filled with both joyous and not-so-joyous occasions. However, Larry left the world full of peace and love, said Ingersoll. Larry died the morning of Jan. 25, 2003, the day after their 35th wedding anniversary.

“What I miss most about Larry was the way he told me how much he loved me each and every day for 35 years,” Ingersoll said. “There was never any doubt about his love for me and his family.”

“4 Months Of Gods Mercy” was released on Feb 12 at more than 25,000 locations. It is also available online at www.tatepublishing.com.

Beautiful Boy

2008-06-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

A child’s laughter
A sweet kiss on the forehead.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
These are the things that make him happy.
My Beautiful Boy.

The stresses and the demands
Of trying to be normal. Of trying to be perfect.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.

The simple things in life. The small things.
These are what he's all about.
The great escape. The sweet escape.
This is what he needs.
My Beautiful Boy.

The never-ending stream of demands.
The impossible expectations
That reach higher than the cotton candy clouds.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.

All he wants is the kindness and the pride
The love of his parents.
But what he gets instead is the disappointment
The misunderstanding. The hatred.
My Beautiful Boy

They look into those deep blue eyes.
Oh so blue, they're the window to his soul.
Except they can’t see through that window.
Because they can’t understand him.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

What they don't know. What they can't see.
Is that they're crushing him.
Breaking his heart.
Crushing his dreams.
He's hurt and he's broken.
My Beautiful Boy.

Be kind. Be gentle.
Let him be. Let him free.
These are the things that matter most.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

Give him the mountains or the beach.
Keep your tall buildings and bumper to bumper traffic.
He can hear the roar in the silence.
Can we hear the silence in the roar?
My Beautiful Boy.

He's grown now
But the innocence of childhood still lives within him.
The boyish looks are gone.
But the twinkle in his eye will remain forever.
He may appear a man on the outside.
But don't let that fool you.
The adventurous nature of a young boy
Still roars inside him. Along with the silence.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

Burgandy Blowout

2008-06-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

I dyed my hair again today.

I probably dye it too much.

But I can't help it.

It's an obsession.

Please, ignore the cold sore.

Without further ado.

Before:

After:

A Million Miles An Hour

2008-06-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

The day is winding down and the rest of the family is watching The Bucket List and as much as I'd love to watch it with them I promised Ian we'd watch it together in the fall. So, I sit here behind the flourescent glare of my computer screen wondering.

Wondering what? O lots of things, I guess it's more like daydreaming. I haven't been been this content, this happy with life in a loooong time. Whether that's because of the long, harsh winter we've had or because of deeper, darker issues I haven't yet decided. I just know that I'm happy. Really, honest to God, truly happy. I'm sure the boyfriend has something to do with that, but in any case. I'm happy.

Speaking of Ian, I miss him. Really miss him. He's only two hours away, but even that short distance sucks. Whenever I dream, it's about a life we may or may not ever have together. It's about the future, the present, and the past. It's about how I can see myself growing old with him. God, I love this boy. Its only been a short time, but I love him, and I just hope he feels the same way.

School starts in eight weeks, it's still quite far away, but I can't stop thing about the classes I'll be taking and the responsibilities I'll have. I mean, I'll actually be held accountable for more than just my grades, which I seem to get lucky with semester after semester. But, I'm excited. Being an editor will give me so much more experience that will help me in the long run.

Okay, so I'm npt really sure where I'm going with all of this. I just know that I'm happy, even though my mind is still running a million miles an hour.

Have a good night!

100 Things, New and Improved

2008-06-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

At the request of some friends I've decided to finally get of my lazy butt and update this thing. You know, since its been a good 7 or 8 months. I blame the fact that I'm a college kid, yeah, thats it. And also, I actually have a life now.

But anyway, I was looking through old blog posts, specifically the 100 things post and decided to do a new one because I've changed quite a bit. So, here goes nothing.

My name is Ashley
But I'm rarely called that because everybody seems to have a different nickname for me
My family and friends mean the world to me
I think I've found my prince charming
I wear my heart on my sleeve
I'm a girl of many addictions and obsessions
Scrabble, Tea, Myspace, Pepsi, Photography
Writing is so many things to me
A passion, stress reliever, an escape, a way for people to better understand me
The Sentinel, under the instruction of Nils Rosdahl is the most kickass student paper. It's been proven.
It's going to be a great day.
I have no idea where I want to transfer to
I want to live in NYC
I'm a budding photographer, but I would lovvvveee photoshop
I could do without watching movies or television again...ever
Music and books are a thousand times better
I love the sunshine, it makes me happy
I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder
Java on Sherman still makes the best coffee
My cats are spoiled...very spoiled
I listen to music 24/7, especially when alone
I hate being alone
I think too much, seriously
I'm emotional and probably overly sensitive sometimes
But I'm also hardheaded and determined
I love books, they do many of the same things writing does for me
I find people, and their stories, intriguing.
I've grown up a lot this year, but still have a long way to go
I makes mistakes, and I try to learn from them
I miss being able to play The Sims 2
I love my pajamas...and playing dress up
I don't understand how people can be so ignorant and judgemental
I flew on a plane for the very first time in March and absolutely loved it
I will travel the world, and then come home and write my memoirs
I've experienced more pain than most, but its made me stronger
I will make history
I believe in Karma, and I'm not sure what else
Change scares me
People love to hate
All we need is love
Love. Peace. Happyness.
I love children, and their innocence
I haven't experienced half of the stuff most teens have, and I'm okay with that
Hollywood is overrated
I'm itching for my independence
I really can't stand the silence
My hair needs dyed again
I dye my hair too much
I have anxiety, and probably depression issues
I am learning to deal with it and beginning the slow process of healing
I love texting
I'm shy until you get to know me, and then I don't shut up
I'm trying to be more outgoing from the get go
I trust to easily, it more often than not gets me hurt
Seeing other people happy makes me happy
Money will destroy us, maybe before guns
Obama 08'
I'm excited for the future, but I try to live in the moment
Dane Cook is a silly bitch
Three wardrobe essentials for every woman: shoes, purses, jackets
I'm most definitely a morning person
I love naps
My friends have opened my eyes and my heart
I'm a first geneation college student
College is wayyy better than high school could ever be
I love Autumn, and everything that comes with it
The snow and I have issues with each other
I am becoming my own person
We lose so much history every day and it makes me sad
My life is organized chaos
One person can make a difference
But more people can make a bigger difference
I wish I was artistic, my bother got the creativity genes
I wish that I could understand him
I can't stay mad long, even if I want to
I make friends easily
I really, really can't do math
Everything happens for a reason
Everyday is a new beginning
I procrastinate with the best of them
I'm the new Arts and Entertainment editor for The Sentinel
Myspace is way better than Facebook
I love names
I hate drama, but miss theatre
I'm a dreamer, and hopeless romantic
I believe in the paranormal
It goes deeper than ghosts and spirits
I'm a pessismistic optimist
The problem with life is that there is no background music
I love the heat
I'm not allergic to anything, but I wish I was allergic to needles
I want a big family
And to grow old with the love of my life
I wish people would understand better
The Beatles are way better than The Stones culd ever be
I do way better expressing my feelings on paper than in person
I know some incredible people
Music affects my mood wayyy more than it probably should
I need a new computer
Coffee sounds amazing right about now

Bleeding Love

2008-06-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

***This poem was written a month ago. It's a bit more morbid than the last. I'll update this more tomorrow. I promise.***

That sweet sweet voice
As smooth as silk.
And those blue eyes
Bluer and deeper than the ocean
You could get lost in those eyes.
God, how I love this boy.

The swollen eyes
The black and blue bruises
The pushing, the yelling
The shoving, the screaming
They're all misunderstood, they really are
Because he loves me, he really does.
He says so. He promises me a better life.
I hope so. I pray so.

His broken promises. My broken bones.
They tell our story.

I'm bleeding. Bleeding his love.
I'm getting cold.
The bullet. It's lodged in my heart.
He cries. I cry.
He holds me. I cling to him.
We cry.
Say our final goodbyes.

The blood on his hands.
The bullet in my heart.
They tell our story.
And this is how it ends, our story.
With me, bleeding his love.

California Sounds Amazing

2008-06-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

***The following was originally wrote in late January or early February of 2007***

There's this boy
Who can make me smile
Without even knowing it

A companion to spend
The cold, windy night with
Whispering our dreams
Of a better life

A life filled with sunshine
And smiles
Of music and dancing

A sweet note to say hello
A promise that we will escape
Escape this life for a better one

California sounds Amazing!

Autumn

2007-11-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

Starting Over

2007-08-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

It's time to move on...to stop living in the past...there's this whole big future waiting for me...and a now, which I have ignored.

If three years ago--or a year ago for that matter--you had asked me where I would be today I would have told you that I would have had an apartment with friends, a car, and a boyfriend to top it off. I would be working at one of the local papers, hopefully the Spokesman, as an intern and life would be like that of any college sudent. Not perfect, but normal.

A year ago I thought I was on my way to at least achieving part of this dream. Pretty simple, right? Wrong.

Last year, at about this time, I was moving into the NIC dorms and although a little scared I was filled with excitement at the thought of living on my own, or at least with other people besides my family. Things went smoothly at first; I loved my classes (the newspaper especially), newfound freedom and friends, and my roommates weren't to bad themselves. Life couldn't get any better. At least I thought everything was going good.

Here's where my world falls apart!

I had barely been living in the dorms for two weeks when I realized that was all the time I would be spending there. As fate would have it, one of my roommates had a problem with my cleanliness and hygiene, or in this case, lack thereof. I am not a dirty person, and was ashamed to have even been thought of that way, but what can a girl do. Sometimes it's just harder for me to do certain things, so I accomplish those tasks differently. It never occured to me that those ways might not be the right ways to do things when living with three other girls.

In the end, the best solution for everybody was for me to move back home with my parents "to regroup" as one put it. I didn't handle any part of the situation well, but the others involved could have handled it better as well.

To say that I lost self-confidence is an understatement. I lost not only my self-confidence, but my independence and happiness. I have not been comfortable around or able to look certain people in the face for a year, even though they are here to help me, for fear that they would look me in the eye and see how weak I was; how terrified I was of having them see the real me.

Because, you see, I was wearing a mask. A mask that is now ready to come off.

I want my self-confidence back. I want my independence back. I want to be happy again. Wait, let me rephrase that. I'm GOING to get my self-confidence and independence back. I'm GOING to be happy again.

I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned that you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for anybody or anything. It's not worth it.

Heart

2007-08-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

This little girl had a heart of gold...if you have heart pass this on so that no other child is cheated out of life. How could anybody let this happen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWow42TCwzg

I'm Alive...So They Tell Me

2007-08-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

What? Oh, you mean I'm actually supposed to update this thing occasionally. Well, if I would have known that :D

In all reality, Wireless Internet sucks! I'm this close to buying a wireless router for the computer

BUT...I'm too cheap. So all of my fans (the whole two of you) will have to put up with sporaic blog posting from yours truly.

That's all for now, don't cry, I'll be back soon!

(That is, if this damn connection cooperates. Maybe I'll bribe it with chocolate and coffee! It works with me!)

A Lil' Bit Of This And A Dash Of That

2007-07-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog! We can thank my wireless Internet connection for the brief interruption of services!

Where to start!

We are now one of the billions of households with a Wii. That's right, the temptation to be just like everyone else led to my dad caving in and so my brother and he went down and got one. I don't think they have moved away from the television since. Not that they do much of that anyway.

Yesterday, was perfect! Why, you ask? Because I spent the day spending money that I shouldn't be spending with my mom!

TJ Maxx was our first stop, although I wasn't impressed! I've heard good things about them in the past! Target was next and I already love Target so of course I was excited! I did find some cute clothes, including an adorable pair of gouchos which I couldn't part with, but we decided to chexck out Fashion Bug first! After a pit stop at Starbucks for a Carmel Frappucino and a Carmel Macchiato we made it in there about ten minutes before closing and hit the jackpot! I got a skirt and two different shirts for less than thirty bucks! You can't beat that!

Today, I've been working on a birthday gift for a friend and enjoying the sunny weather!

In other news, there have been baby's galore since the New Year began. Here's a breakdown.

January-Sadie Alaina was born to my cousin Jesse and his girlfriend Dusty. She joins brothers Colin and Austin. The boys are Dusty's from a previous relationship.

March-Adyn Conner was born to my cousin Elizabeth and her fiance Eric. He joins brother Cedrick from my cousins previous relationship.

May-Addison Elizabeth was born to my cosin Dean and his fiance Michaela. She is the first child for both of them.

July-Kylee Nicole was born to my cousin Jenny and her boyfriend Eric. I believe Eric may have a child from his previous marriage.

And that's just family! I've had some friends have babies this year too.

Now quit being lazy and get off your butt and do something outside! It's gorgeous!

Proud To Be An American

2007-07-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

*Here is something to stir things up. My opinions are my own.

I’m proud to be an American and not ashamed to let everyone know. I’m one of the few who still feels this way, though. Most people are ashamed to call this glorious country home--and so they don’t; they refer to their heritage whenever possible.

Why is it one is ‘proud to be an American’ until they have to fight to stay an American? It wasn’t so long ago when the citizens of this country were proud to be from the ‘Grand ‘Ole USA.’ There was a time when red, white and blue flags adorned every home. Today, instead of the American flag being flown high in the sky, you see Rebel flags from a Confederacy that hasn’t existed in decades. Flag burning was unheard of, and now it’s as common as going to Starbucks for your morning cup of coffee.

The president was once a man who was shown the utmost respect, whether one liked him or not. Today, the president is a man most in this country love to hate. We believed in him when we elected him in 2000 and when we re-elected him in 2004, so why can’t we believe in him now. We need to trust President Bush and those other elected officials to do what they think is best for our country. You don’t have to like him, but you shouldn’t hate him either! It’s a tough job being President of the United States of America!

Yes, this nation is fighting a war--a war some believe we shouldn’t be fighting, but does that mean we can’t support those brave men and women who are fighting to protect the freedoms and rights American citizens take for granted? Freedoms and rights any person in almost any other country would cherish and value as if there life depended on it, and maybe it does.
We live in the United States of America because we are supposed to be united, not divided, in the effort to protect this land of ours. If we were to pull out of Iraq or any other country we may be in right now, it would only be a matter of time before we will be faced yet again with a tragedy like 9/11. We came together then, and we need to come together now so our troops can come home as soon and as safe as possible, but now is not the right time.

If we don’t fight to protect ourselves and our land now in other places where you and I feel little effect, we will have to fight to protect ourselves and our land later here at home and our lives will be completely changed forever. Which one would you choose?

My God, It's Barbie!

2007-07-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

Alanna and I were stopped at the Tesoro on Lake Coeur d'Alene Drive for gas and sodas during our day on the town.

As she came out of the gas station another car pulled up and out came Barbie, or rather her human replica! She had the perfect tan skin, the long blonde hair and legs, and the big boobs. And we can't forget the perfectly coordinated outfit and accessories.

Its girls like her who give the rest of us self-esteem issues.

As Alanna came to my door to hand me the sodas before pumping the gas

Without a beat, she said

"My God, it's Barbie!"

Wendy

2007-07-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

It was a perfect Sunday. The sun was shining and we were headed off to IHOP for a breakfast that would make anybody happy. My parents only had to run one quick errand.

Tragedy strikes when you least expect it

My aunt calls and through muffled tears tells me "Wendy was shot!" I was told to have my mom call her as soon as she got home. A quick call to my parents who were at another aunts house and the next thing I knew my parents were walking through the door. My cousin and her baby arrived shortly after. It was decided that we would carpool. My aunts house is 2 hours away in Connell.

Wendy was a beautiful, loving person who had a full ife ahead of her. She was shot in the head by her boyfriend Jason. She was killed instantly.

After a day of many tears and much laughter my mom and I headed for home as my mom had to return to work the next day. We would be back though, how could we stay away!

This Sunday my family and I returned to Connell for more hugs, and prayer! Her funeral was Monday. The service was held in a beautiful Catholic church and it was amazing how many people came. More than a hundred easily.

My aunt, uncle, and cousins appreciated everything and I have hope that they will be alright. It will take time, but they will be alright.

Wendy leaves behind four younger brothers, her parents, and a whole bunch of extended family who loves her to death.

I love you Wendy Mae. Rest In Peace!

100 Things

2007-07-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Here's my introduction! If there's anything else you would like to know or if you have any questions don't be afraid to leave me a comment! I don't bite, I promise!

They call me Ashley
My friends and family are my everything
Music and books are the two greatest things in this world, and possibly beyond.
Pepsi is my addiction
Writing is my passion, and my stress reliever
I'm one of those geeks who actually likes school
I'm currently attending NIC and wouldn't change this for the world
I'm a photo junkie and can't wait to get my digital camera
There are approximately 975318642 billion candles in my house
I don't know how to drive
I don't watch movies or most television
I have better ways to spend my time
This heat wave is incredible
Java on Sherman serves the best coffee
My cats are spoiled...very spoiled
I'm a packrat
There are too many commercials on the radio
I'm sensitive and emotional
But I'm also incredibly stubborn and full of smiles
I love playing scrabble
And I'm getting quite good at it
I love history
Jolly Ranchers are the best thing ever
I'm growing up
And its scary, but I can't wait
I need a better Internet connection
The Sims 2 is an amazing game
Allergies are no fun
I love my pajamas
I don't understand how people can judge without really knowing each other
I will travel the world
And come home to write my memoirs
I've experienced more pain than most
It's made me stronger
I will make history
I believe in Karma
I'm not sure what else
I believe people love to hate
When instead we should love
I'm all about Love Peace and Happiness
I love children
They live life like everybody should...happy
I've never drank alcohol or smoked
I plan to keep it that way
What happened to the simple life?
Celebrities are overrated
I can't wait to be on my own
I'm a 3rd generation Idahoan
I was a Camp Fire girl
I'm halfway there :D
I can't stand silence
My hair needs dyed (again)
I dye my hair too much
I love meeting new people
I think too much
I have anxiety problems
I've never been to a concert
My phone never leaves my side
I'm going to NYC in the spring
I'm shy until you get to know me
And then you can't get me to shut up
I trust too easily
It gets me hurt, more often than not
I love the simple things in life
I have 58 cousins and second cousins
Family get togethers are interesting
Second chances are okay
Third and fourth chances are not
I'm told that I have a good sense of humor
I'm still waiting for my prince charming
Seeing other people happy makes me happy
Communication is key
Cold Stone has the best ice cream
If in the wrong hands, money can destroy us
Maybe before guns
I can't wait to see what the future holds
Dane Cook is the best comedian
A girl can never have too many shoes
Or purses
The people that I've met in the last year have given me a new perspective on life
I'm a first generation college student
I never went to prom
I sponsor a little girl from Guatemala
I love the smell of pumpkin
The snow is a huge problem with me
I am my own person
American history is being lost everyday
My room is organized chaos
One person can make a difference
I have mosquito bites everywhere
I wish I was artistic
My brother got the creativity genes
I can't stay mad for long
There's no fun in that
I try to learn from my mistakes
I make friends easily
I don't apply myself enough
Everything happens for a reason
Everyday is a chance to start over
I love life and all the curveballs it can throw at me